As Clear As Mud

Ex-boyfriends are fucking carpet-munchers.
All of them. Burn in hell.

Do you want a song of glory?
Well I'm fucking screaming at you.

Cheers To 50 Years With The Same Man

Lifelong commitment scares me silly.

Topic: Marriage.
So, a couple of friends of mine are getting married on September 13th. And you know what that means... Shopping! Not that it's something I fancy doing a lot, though I do enjoy it. Especially if I don't blow my budget on one-time use dresses/shoes/bags and the unspoken rule of the-chaperone-(in this case, my mother)-pays-for-all-expenses comes into play. I admit its selfish, but I guess it's ok to be human for once.

Bridal registries are something I've always been intrigued with, I feel sorry for the poor fiancée/husband-to-be though, to be dragged around - watching their partners pick out kettles, expensive microwaves, or matching cutlery and have them asked which they'd prefer. I don't think they'd care at all about which microwaves microwave better, or what brand of cutlery there is. I think they'd think 'As long as I get to spend the rest of my life with you... And that 26" flat screen plasma that's calling out my name.'

I know that's what I'd be thinking when I go picking out items for my bridal registry list. Though rather than having a plasma TV call out my name, I'd be seduced by a future Playstation 109.

A then-friend once told me about the items his older brother and sister-in-law picked for their bridal registry. They'd already bought the necessary things for their home, i.e. kitchenware, furniture, home necessities, etc., so what they listed on their bridal registry were items like an XBox 360. Pretty smart I'd say, think I might steal that idea. Then again, why would I wanna spend that much money when I can just get them as presents? I'll be having this debate with myself for a long, long time - not that I should start now anyway.

Although I talk about getting married one day, which is apparently "every girls' dream", it's not always mine. The thought of commitment scares me silly, actually. Alike giving birth. What about the commitment which scares me so much is that 5, 10 or even 20+ years down the track, would he still love me like he did when he first asked "Will you marry me?" Will he like me when I get a bob cut, or what if I stunt my growth vertically and I start expanding horizontally? (Not that I have any problem with gaining weight, I'm happy with myself. My want of being overweight is just preferable choice.) Or what if I would be the one to fall out completely? I wanna know, but at the same time I don't. I don't wanna jinx it either.

As immature as it sounds, I've had the whole marriage conversation with my two previous ex-boyfriends. With the first ex-boyfriend I had the "talk" with, he was certain that we'd grow old together from the moment he set eyes on me. He was my first love, and I was his. He even went to the extent of proposing to me a whole year and a half later. I went along with it, I thought it was sweet. The word 'forever' then came into the picture. We'd used that word so freely and uncaringly, which to us, lost its meaning.

We were the on and off type, we argued every time we spoke to each other after that. He was selfish and uncompassionate, I was stubborn and got sick of having to put up with him. And then I ended it for good, I eventually fell out of love. I promised not to talk about marriage with anyone else until I reach the perfect age, and I never used the word 'forever' or anything similar to that context thereafter. For a long time I even thought that he was the man of my dreams, until he came.

The most recent ex-boyfriend, I lost interest in all things 'male' after I lost him. I haven't been this single for so long since I entered the World of Dating. Back to the subject, I was his first love. Unfortunately, it wasn't the same - although it felt like he was my first love. I was careful this time when it came to using certain words, etc. I also had the marriage-talk with him. I tried to be careful this time, not trying to set ideas since we were still young. His words were nothing like the boy before him, he was much sweeter. And from the way he spoke, there was no way I could deny that he loved me.

One afternoon while we were out, some stranger from the street asked if we were married, my ex-boyfriend never gave me the chance to respond - let alone open my mouth. Instead he answered for the both of us and said "Not yet." Eventually, I got lovestruck. So after that, whenever we talked about us being 'together' in the future, I never did think twice although I was still aware of what I was doing. I felt so certain about the both of us, I was all fo' shiz'd. No, we never did any "planning of the future". That would've been past extreme. Even though I promised earlier that I wouldn't speak of marriage with anyone else until the time was right, I never regret breaking it.

Then he left, and life moved on.

"Dancing"

'Cause what I fear is so sweet...
I'm getting better, day by day, although the nightly sobs are habitual. I can't seem to break out of it. No, not just yet. I'm over it though, the crying is the release of tears I've been holding in this whole time. - I need a new topic to write about.

...And you see that I can't stop shaking.

The 21st Night Of September

Do you remember the 21st night of September?

Love was changing the minds of pretenders,

while chasing the clouds away.

It was actually 6 days later.

Nothing's changed. This town is full of dumb reminders, little things, big things. I want to go blind, I want to gain amnesia. Anything - just to rid the emotion-brooding image of your face and picture perfect memories from my head. Go away, go away. Can't you see how hard I'm trying? You think that I still hold onto these things, but I don't. I would prove the world to you, just so you'd believe me when I say I don't want anymore of this. I hate this, I hate you, passionately. They say that by expressing your hurt, it'll eventually soften up and disappear one day. Well it's been almost half a year, and still no results. I demand results. Why am I demanding? Everywhere I go, I get paranoid when I gain the instinct that you'll be just around the corner. I don't want to see you at all, in fear that I might break into tears. Tears of anger. But at the same time, I want to tell you how much I hate you. I'm speaking gibberish, I'm speaking out of sense. You make me go crazy, I can't stand it anymore. I don't want to think about it, but when I try not to think about it, I think about it because I'm trying not to think about it - which I eventually become glued to the thought of you until I can find something better to think about. I'm guessing that you've tried to help me rid of you? Well guess what? It didn't work! Thanks for the thought though, you totally made me go insane for a while. I bet you're probably thinking that I'm the typical crazy, clingy, obsessive ex-girlfriend. "Ooohh, get away." But I'm not! I swear to you I'm not. I usually get over things in a flash. I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm never like this. I want to do crazy things, like cliff dive. What am I talking about? My mind is thinking rapidly, I'd be stuttering if I was speaking. I feel so out of control.

This is what a girl in pain looks like.

Unrequited Love

It stopped strangling itself, 'cause you killed it.

"Well heaven knows that without you is how I disappear, and live my life alone forever now. Can you hear me cry out to you? Words I thought I'd choke on, figure out. I'm really not so with you anymore; I'm just a ghost. So I can't hurt you anymore, so I can't hurt you anymore!" - My Chemical Romance

This heart does not beat one single beat, nor does it pump the blood for the oxygen to travel through me. I cannot breathe. I cannot breathe when you are not near, you're my defibrillator. Stand near me and let's see how fast my heart accelerates.

I don't miss you, I miss who you were.

I'm quite over it all, just not the past.

Just not quite.

The Glass Half Empty

"The glass half empty" is an expression which is not all that difficult to decipher. After all, it is an idiom of pessimism. How? It's much more cynical than saying that the "glass is half full". Do you see where I'm getting at?

You guessed it, I'm having another one of those 'I'm tired of everything' moments. It never ceases to leave me alone, let alone stretch the brooding hole of depression embedded on my chest. I really am tired.

I have a selfish and inconsiderate mother, a father who is never at home, blind friends and acquaintances. The only person left is my brother, whom I'm grately thankful for. Surprisingly, I was the one to lay all the hate on my brother when we were much, much younger. It's all changed through the years, I love the damn kid to death. I'll protect him until God forbids me to, 'cause I'll do everything in my power to stand up for him - whether he's right or wrong.

I can't wait until I get out of here. It's something I've been waiting for my whole life. I'm not gonna miss much, not much at all.

I'm currently acting one of the

Seven Deadly Sins; Sloth.

I'm ditching my stupid, good-for-nothing Commerce Assignment, and my Health assignment for this blog entry. Both due tomorrow, I'm supposed to be under a deal of stress but this is my form of relaxant.

I also came back from Mt Hotham last Friday night. The experience was amazing and I learnt how to snowboard. Although my wishes of forgetting what I left behind here was unfulfilled, I'm still continuing in fighting for my heart's release - redemption.

Short blog for today, I'm not in quite the happiest mood - hense the title "The Glass Half Empty".

This is how I disappear.

Impervious-2-U

"I've packed my bags, I'm leaving and I've got no idea where."

As quoted, yes I am leaving - for the week. Up to Mt. Hotham for some ski/snowboarding experience. I wish I could stay longer than just a week, I would stay there forever - just to escape from suburban life and all my memories based down here. I'm desperate for a new start. It's too bad I can't stay too long though, it's $140 a night and I'm not willing to pay more than $900 (incl. gear rent). It's ridiculous, but fairly priced, I guess. People have got to realise that not everyone can earn a decent amount of money, especially at my age. At my age, what you'd earn from work would be considered pocket money - my parents make me live on my own money, even paying for my own trip. The least you can do is be reasonable, consider my age. I'm not independent, not yet.

Escape? Such cowardice I bear. I never learn, do I?

I've been a little resistant of late, hense the title 'Impervious-2-U'. Resistant in more ways than one. Resistive, impossible behaviour - it's all coming back to me. I thought I'd left those habits behind with the past, but they keep catching up to me in present times. Just like memories.

They aren't the only things I've been recalling though. I've recalled my passion for art, the willingness I displace into my graphite pencil as I move my hand - my arm - across the smooth sheet of glowing paper. Colour. Colour, I've been using colour. I've never used colour this way before, everything I used to draw was in shades of black and white - but not anymore. Sculptures, my hand engraves strength and meaningful texture onto the clay, shaping the perfect roughness of the man's forehead and bearded chin. I could go on about how I've regained my fervour for art. I've never had this much emotion to create such amazing pieces - I guess being emotional does have its advantages.

Back to the Resistáns (Swedish), my inconsiderate behaviour has been surfacing after time has buried it so deep down under. I resist against resistance, fighting fire with fire. But it seems almost impossible. I'm resisting against love, I can't fall again. I've realised - after the countless times my mother, quotes, movies, music, friends have told me - time heals all. It's undeniable. Love, relationships, anything strong emotioned - it's like alcohol. Nothing can lower the alcohol level in your blood, nothing but time. Eating more bread or nibbles won't make you sober, drinking water doesn't do any good. You've got to let time get it out of your system. Just like love.

I can't do anything now, my heart's trying to strangle itself discreetly. But I know what it's doing. So all I've got to do - and all I can do - is just be patient and let time pass. That's how I see it. This trip to Mt. Hotham will be good for me, I can only pray.

Patience, that's all it takes.
Gosh, I can't wait to be sober.