Consumición

At times like these, I wouldn't mind disappearing for a while.

Today was the day I realised I wasn't happy with my life, not even content at all. Realisation smacked me in the face saying "Your happiness is all false pretense." I hated it, I hated it because I knew it was true. I'm being consumed whole by pure and constant disappointment.

At times like these, I hate being single.

When your parents are being carpet-munchers subconsciously, they'd say anything to make you feel like shit and later on regret their brutal words. What's the point of saying it then? It only makes me want to disappear even more. The fact that I've recently been date-ditched 5 times with 4 different people in a span of 2 weeks, or that my brother has a girlfriend who'll last longer than my previous relationship doesn't help me feel any better at all... Not at all. I want someone to love me. Is that selfish of me to ask?

I try to show my parents I love them, but they seem to be ignoring it.
When I grow up, I'm going to show my children unconditional love.
Short blog for today, the hole in my chest is big enough to transport planet Earth into another dimension.

Act Of Chivalry

"The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers."
- Socrates (469-399 B.C.)

Socrates knew exactly what he was talking about, and this quote was based 469-399 years before Christ. Has nothing changed in these few thousand years?

I've been pondering about the manners and etiquettes of the 20th Century's youth of late.

It all started when I attended a funeral-type viewing of a friend's father who recently passed away. It was a Sunday night, it's Tuesday afternoon at this very moment. The venue was quite empty as we arrived, relatives and loved ones of the one who passed were seated on the front row. Crying. I felt the need to back away a little bit, give them space as others who were just arriving were smothering them with hugs and empathy. 'Cause I know that's what I'd want if someone dear passed away. I didn't want to add to the havock, so I figured I'd greet them after the crowd had died a little; no pun intended.

I sat on the back row, letting all the more forward seats fill up slowly as guests arrived. I was seated with my two friends, not including the child of the deceased. It was the corner seat, one that I'd felt was the furthermost isolated even though I was seated to a couple of my companions. After about twenty minutes or so, I felt the confidence to greet the family of the deceased at last. It was quite a surprise when they saw me approach them in open arms, not uttering a single word.

A silent gesture which speaks a thousand words.

It was the first time I'd ever been the one to greet this family without the taunt and push of my parents. I never really knew them, I only knew the relationship which conjugates them to my friend. I could see how disrespectful I've been in the past, considering how practiced I am in cultural ethics. I realised that by consciously avoiding to show respect ethically, the respect that I refused to give was refused of me too.

It's true when they say that bad habits die hard, they've been slowly and methodically flailing away through time. Overnight results were never how I was always presented with, it always took time, even considering my quick indecisiveness.

Back to the tale, I wished the deceased a respectful 'Rest In Peace' as I passed by to view the open coffin, I walked back to my seat. With my comrades tailing me. I didn't want them to follow at all. At serious moments like these, I want to be left alone in kind consideration. Nothing personal though; my thoughts don't only need the space of my brain to fill, but it needs the rest of my surroundings to suppress.

As I sat, I read a few pages from Letters From The Inside by John Marsden and realised the ceremony was about to being. Time flies by when you're engulfed by a good book. It was a while into the ceremony when I realised there was an old, little woman sleeping standing up. There were many other elders standing around, and there were so many youngsters occupying a seat. If only I had that many seats to give away to these elders. But this one lady caught my attention. She needed her husband to keep her from falling down, so I excused myself from my friends. They'd assumed that I was going to the bathroom, though I was actually on my way to ask this woman to have my seat instead.

I finally reached her, I politely gestured my hand to my now-empty seat and she immediately caught my drift. She thanked me, her husband thanked me, and that's when I turned and saw the many pairs of eyes laid on me. Eyes of not disregard, but awe. I stood behind her and watched her lay her head against the wall, falling asleep the way she did when she was on her feet. My friends laughed as they thought the old lady stole my seat, later on they were assured that the giving-up was all in favour.

It doesn't take a grand, impossible act to be respected.
All it took was respect and the balls to do it.

What I'd like to see are many more of our youth presenting respect in tiny gestures. I'm not stating that we're all ruthless and incompassionate, it's really nice to see something like that. Although the reward for it may not come in materialistic forms, the feeling is far beyond overwhelming.

Thesis Of Irony

Ok, second blog for the night.

Well, this isn't my ideal topic for a conversation but it's something I've always been intrigued about discussing. Even if it's not quite the exemplary verbal discussion I'd have with anyone else but myself, it's something I've liked getting off my chest - using cyberspace, or even listening to my "girlfriends'" get it off their chests. Either way prepare yourself for whines and complaints, relationship shinanigans, monthly rage, boy problems, gossip (no, gossip. Sorry)... Anything teenage normalcy would include.

And as for the exaggeration, it's nothing much.

Though my blunt stereotyping puts my words and I on the verge of personal (be public even) criticism, I'm not quite the one to be fearing. I'm feeling pretty content, indifferent and slightly frustrated towards what I'm about to type. Brace yourselves...

What in the name of Huckleberry Finn is wrong with boys these days?

Mum and I are having constant one-sided debates on this topic. Is it some sort of genetic thing they've been inheriting since the prehistoric times which makes them constantly indecisive, or even just, frustrating to the female species? I know they get this problem with women too, oh believe me.

I can quite picture a Neanderthal couple beating each other with wooden clubs, having one of their daily 'lovers' quarrel' on who should be the one to start the fire for supper. Lady Neanderthal argues that she's the one who has to prepare for the food, cook it, then clean up after. Whereas Sir Neanderthal debates that he's the one who's been lifelong assigned to hunting their nightly feast since he's reached manhood at the age of 13; and that he's been tired after a long day. Lady Neanderthal then firmly states that if he doesn't start the fire, he's not getting any supper, and that she doesn't mind eating 'cause she's on some herbivore diet anyway. Lady Neanderthal wins.
For now.

And as much as I had just waffled on relating modern life to the Ice Age, we're really not all that different. Whatever the penis-bearing athropoids' problems may be (with the opposite, of course), varies, but a majority state that we're either too demanding and we "always get our way".
It entirely depends on the individual. Hypocrisy.

So my problem is that, there's this boy. And I have no idea as to what the hell he expects in life. As indecisive as I assume him to be, consciously or subconsciously, he continues to build a barrier between our path of communication. It's been going on for months, I'm sorry if I still haven't let this matter drop just yet. As much as it vexes the both of us, I can't bear to live life unknowingly. All I'm asking for is the reassurance. Nothing more.

I'm getting tired now.

Entreé ála Survey

This is blog numero uno!
Sign4Jake

Your ex really needs you at 3am and you have a way to his/her house would you go?
Option 1: I would say, "No, go and try to piss off someone else at this time of night"
And if he complains, I'll reply "Well that's too bad, isn't it? *Smile & exits conversation*"
Option 2: Make up some stupid excuse like "I'll get in trouble by my parents" just to get out of it nicely.

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
Hm, yesterday!
I guess it was just one of those moments of frustration.

What was the last thing you cried about?
Jamie got glowstick juice in my eyes on Saturday
And THAT stung like a br00t4l carpet-munchfucker

Do you have a girl friend you can tell stuff to and your sure they won't tell anyone?
Of course (: Although I'm unsure about the 'they won't tell anyone' part
Though this is partially the reason why I limit the things I tell

Who did you hangout with last night? What time last night?
Yen & Thea, at like 8-9PM in Epping
A friend's father passed away and we went to the viewing of his body.

Does the last person you held hands with, mean a lot?
Of course, she's my mum.

Could you go a day without eating?
ABSO-FRIGGIN'-LUTELY NOT,
Not many people know how I am when food-deprived
That's why they feed me to avoid the wrath.

Do your parents force you to go to church or let you make the decision?
They don't force me, they recommend and I do so

Do you smoke weed regularly?
Not at all

Do you miss your past?
Of course, childhood especially

What are you doing tonight?
Revising for a Maths test tomorrow
Probability, then Trig.

Do you think your ex still likes you?
No, and 100% certain

What is the last thing you thought about?
"Jewgle, Habib Jonahbobo, and Russian mail-order brides"
ROADJKSHDALJSLAFLFLFLFL Tee <3

Honestly, has anyone ever seen you in your underwear?
Back in the day

Honestly, if you could go back 5 months and change something would you?
I could've appreciated my then-friend better
But nothing I can do about it now, right? Lol

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
Well, there's none that I know of,
But I wouldn't doubt it either (:

Is there anybody you wish you could be with right now?
LOLCAKES, and he has the sweetest smile

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
I hate that theory

What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
Stud-acious

Do you believe ex's can be friends?
I wouldn't know, to be honest
I'm only good friends with one ex, and I like it better this way.

Is there someone you'd really like to hang out with and just talk about stuff?
Absolutely! There are a few people

Do you think people think bad things about you?
Maybe, but who knows?
I wouldn't mind really, unless it was really inappropriate.

Do you regret doing anything this past week?
I don't think so, no

Whens the last time you held hands with someone?
Hm, Saturday
We were dancing, hand-in-hand (:

Do you know what you're wearing tomorrow?
School uniform, lol!

Are you easily confused?
My parents call it "my being slow"

Is there anyone special in your life in general at the moment?
LOL WOAH! MY MUM'S VACUUMING THE ICE CREAM CONE CRUMBS ON THE TABLE TOP!
No, no one special.

Do you think of others before yourself?
Absolutely

Where do you see yourself this time next year?
Living in the same house, a year older, prob look a little different
At the same school and doing harder subjects

Who do you feel the most comfortable around?
I feel comfortable around people in general (:
Well, depending on how approachable they seem; I'm not that edgy!

Is there something that you're waiting for?
HOLIDAYS, SKI CAMP, BREAKING DAWN, OMG
End of the school year

One thing you're not looking forward to?
Probability test tomorrow *Groan*

How do you feel about change?
Its constant, can't really stop it from happening y'know?
Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't

What are your plans for your next birthday?
GOING OUT! Spending it with my girls in the city nightlife
Or maybe even the beach if Global Warming does what it does best and it's still Summer-feel around March

Do you even care about your birthday?
No, I don't to be honest
I use it as an advantage though, or an excuse rather

When do you think the world will end?
In about 8 billion years, yeah.

Do you still talk to the person you last kissed?
Yep, talked today

Have you ever seen your best friend cry?
Yeah, and it was depressing to see

What kind of vitamins did you take as a kid?
Aha! Yes! I think they were called Vita-minis?

Are you friends with your neighbours?
Yeaaaah, they're pretty cool
We share the same cat (:

What were you just thinking about?
"What if I told you that my heart beats is little more when you're around?
It's like I gotta have you near me girl."
J.

Name the places you have lived in?
Three diff countries, like 10+ houses/flats

When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you noticed?
"Woah, the hair. The hair."

What's a word that rhymes with "LUCK"?
HUCKleberry Finn

Who's the 2nd person on your missed calls list?
Pri-va-tee

What shirt are you wearing right now?
My aunty's souvenir from Disneyland

What do you think about the person who last took this survey?
Jas is pretty cool (:

If you're alone in a room with two beds, which one do you sleep in?
THE ONE THAT LOOKS THE SAFEST (Y)

What's a word or phrase that you say a lot?
- YO (deep voice)
- Slut (deep voice) (excuse the language!)
- Wothefock? (extra deep voice)

What is your current desktop picture?
Marilyn Monroe

Do you love someone?
Maybe not relationship-wise, but absolutely

Have you changed a lot in the past year?
Of course, let alone the past month

Will you be in a relationship in 4 months?
Its a veeeeeeeery unlikely chance, almost impossible

Ever turned a boy down you shouldn't have?
Hm, I guess so

Do you straighten your hair often?
NO, lol
Only the tail and sideburns on occasion

Your dream last night?
I don't know, but I definitely woke up with J on my mind

Tell me the last text you recieved?
It was something about loling at Jamie flapping his arms like a bird and burning my face
- From Danielee

What is wrong with you right now?
Nothing, I'm just really out of it lol

What do you want in your life right now?
Nothing much, really (:
I'm pretty content, I wouldn't dare ask for more

Do you remember your dreams?
Rarely ever, lol

Do you like anyone right now?
You work that out

What do you look forward to in the next months?
HOLIDAYS, ski camp!, Batman on Wed, my hard-earned dosh rollin' innnnnnnn, YA, numerous parties, Manifest, etc

Why are you not going for the person you want?
Well, it's basically wrong timing and I don't exactly 'want' him.
It's nice to have a close companion every once in a while, y'know?

Favorite food?
Italian, Swedish & Thai

How is your hair?
Thick, wavy/curly, and growing
I like it the way it is (:

Is someone/something on your mind right now?
Not really, no
I'm just wondering why my Internet's not responding as quickly as it should

Story behind your MySpace song?
Nothing particularly, I just like it a lot
It's currently: My Curse, by Killswitch Engage

Life?
At its best (:

When was the last time you had butterflies?
Doctors this morning

When was the last time you talked to your number 2 on you top friends?
Today, on cyberspace!

Name someone with the same birthday as you?
Ray, some guy named Bong, Mariah Carey and Fergie

At the moment, are you more warm or cold?
My fingers are cold, as always (:

What was the last thing you spent your money on?
UHHHHHHHHHHHHH, shoes