This Is Going To Bring Me Clarity, This'll Take The Heart Right Out Of Me

Dear male-who-crushed-my-heart,
Don't tell me that you want to be good friends with me, that's just teasing me.
Because of you I can't return love.
Because of you I am burned, willing to spend the rest of my life alone.
Because of you I am cowering away from the concept of love and happiness.
I am immature, I am stubborn.
I am stupid for blaming you for my premature love-exertion.
I wanted you, all of you. Now we know what the result of selfishness is:
I don't anyone at all.

Dear male-whose-heart-I-crushed,
We ended it at 20 days. 20 days of growing in love, though not in love.
Everything I felt was real, despite not returning the strong affection you shared for me. Sorry is the only way I can express my sincerest apologies.
I hurt you everyday, but you never want to leave me.
Despite your worst efforts, you do your best to understand me though I hardly try to understand you. I am cruel and the worst person to fall for.
That day at the beach will be a day I won't forget. The piggyback rides on the sweetest brinks of the ocean, to the rocky walls we climbed up hand-in-hand.
I can't be your best friend, and I won't be your friend.
Three years of love. Three years of life-changing experiences.
Learn to understand, you need better.
A friend is as far as I'll go.

Fuzzy Blue Lights

If I was flying on a plane above your town and you were gazing at the sky,
Somehow I'd feel intact and reassured if you began to wave goodbye.
- Fuzzy Blue Lights by Owl City

Arrow + Heart = Severe Bleeding

It doesn't result to love.

No way, whatsoever.

Internal bleeding.

When I heard his voice,

It was like taking a bullet.

I can predict the future.

I can't say it.

It'll make me look vulnerable.

I have so much more to learn.

_____________________________________

Let's say we're pirates.
I'm the maiden longing after the Captain, to whom I'm invisible. He doesn't pay attention to anyone else but the sea, filled with opportunities and unpredictable happenings. You'll never know if a storm will come, or when it'll ever end. Will the sea be gentle today?

The ship is the Captain's life. He drives it with such care, unwanting to make the wrong spin or turn to drive his ship into turmoil and despair. He concentrates on nothing more, and is unwilling to be distracted.

All of the others are aboard his life too, though we are forgotten as soon as we're introduced. Unimportant and like specks of dust in the morning sky. We come and go.

The lower the heirarchy, the lower the importance. We used to drive the ship together, until I drove it into the end of the world. He ordered me down, and now I lay with the sick.

Aboard the ship is a hardworking boatswain, everyone is affiliated somehow. In all those years of travelling on this ship, his feelings for I, the maiden, have grown, and will continue to grow everyday.
Numerous times, he proclaims his love only to be rejected an equal amount of times. He's the one who stays no matter how many times I repeat "I'll never love you!" No matter how many times I make him cry, no matter how many times I order him to walk the plank, he'll do so. He refuses to drown and climbs back up aboard the ship.

The Captain catches sight of land so beautiful. He aims for her at full speed, never letting his eyes off such beauty. I realise and the boatswain sees. He secretly knows of my love for the Captain, but that doesn't stop him.

We're so close to land; I hide my eyes and peak through my fingers. I didn't expect him to entwine his rough, warm fingers with mine.
We can never predict how it ends.

I screwed my chances.

Let's Rearrange, I Wish You Were A Stranger I Could Disengage

I'm not shallow.
Or stubborn.
I'm not afraid to spend the rest of my life without a life-companion, a soul-mate or whatever you call it these days. Sure, being in love sounds nice, good on you. But it's not for me.
If there's anyone to blame, it's not him.
I can do it.

And the word you're looking for is...
Numb.
Burned.
Apathetic.
Invisible, 'cause that's who I am to you.

"Count your blessings."
I'm counting.

She Can Read, She Can Read, She Can Read, She's Bad

Mr. J., if I could say one thing, any one thing,
I would say to you, "How did you make me smile like that?"

Painted Faces Fill The Places I Can't Reach

I was right.
It was for her.
But no matter, I won't cry.
I've been looking in all the wrong places. I've been looking in all the places you seemed to frequent.
But I'll never find it there.
I'm looking for future.
No matter where you are, as long as you're there, I'll find no future for me there.

I feel redemption overwhelming me whole.
Slow adrenaline tingles my body at every nerve, tweak and corner.
Change is coming. I'll welcome it with arms wide open.
"Hello, I've been expecting you for a long time."

Our Love To Admire (album) by Interpol

We Can Live Like Jack And Sally If We Want

Where are you? And I'm so sorry

I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight

I need somebody and always

This sick strange darkness

Comes creeping on so haunting every time

And as I stared I counted

Webs from all the spiders

Catching things and eating their insides

Like indecision to call you

And hear your voice of treason

Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?

Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already

The voice inside my head

- I Miss You by Blink 182

_________________________________

I need to get a grip.
I'm sorry. I'll tell you a hundred times I'm sorry.
A thousand, a million, a trillion trillions. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for your mistakes. Do you feel better now?
You will never read this.

And Hearts They Don't Lie, They Just Quiver In Fear

I don't know what you expect from me, the air is much nicer here. I work my best, just for you. Don't punish me if I don't take your criticism well. Like a sponge, I soak in all your destructive remarks and it makes me feel heavy with burden. Breathe deep, breathe.

I'll show you, in the most passive way possible, I'll be a hundred times better than you expect.

Don't wait for me, I won't ever come back to you.

Three Sleepless Nights

This isn't how it's supposed to be.
But you're so good at taking your time to get back to me.
How can you take all these days and throw them away? As I sit here waiting for...
Don't say that we can still be friends.
- The Ponytail Parade by Emery

Can't Stop The Killer

Stop this train

I want to get off and go home again

I can't take the speed it's moving in

I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older

I'm only good at being young

So I play the numbers game

To find a way to say that life has just begun

_______________________

What's the one thing you want more than anything in your life?
I want dad to come home because mum's a little down without him.
I want dad to come home so that he doesn't have to call home everyday saying, "I hate it here. I wanna be at home with you guys."
I don't really want anything for myself.

Bonez: "Ok Paco baby, I want you to answer this important question for me ok? Think you can do that?"
Paco: "Um... Ok?"
Bonez: "Ok, now climb onto my lap and look into the little camera on top of the computer."
Paco: (climbs on lap and pokes the webcam)
Bonez: "No no Paco baby, don't do that. The camera will cry. Now wave to the camera like this."
Paco: (jumps and squeals)
Bonez: "Ok ok, now here comes the question. Are you ready, set, go?"
Paco: "No, I'm ready, steady, cook!" (smiles)
Bonez: "Aha ok, ok. So Paco, what is love?"
Paco: "Um... Love is... When you gimme all your chips and you don't make me give you mine."
Bonez: "That's a good answe--"
Paco: "No wait, I have one more!"
Bonez: "Ok, look into the camera."
Paco: "And love is when I drawed you that picture of Ben 10 and you sticked it on your door."

I want to steal you and put you in my little collection of the things I love.

Receiving Mixed Messages

Your eyes...

Why do they look so sad?

So let's drink to memories we shared,

Down one for all our hopes and cares.

Here's, too, for being unaware that you're gone,

Because before too long you'll be a memory.

Within one week, I've failed.
Hello? Hello? Please make more sense, I can't understand you at all.

"I Had A Dream."

"You're barkin' up the wrong tree!"

I've recently come to the realisation that my parents are the greatest people in the world. However when I was much younger and smaller, my parents were the world.

_________________________

I had a dream.
I dreamt that you were alive again, not the lifeless person you seem to be today. Ouch. That hurts, but you know it's true. You smiled and I knew you meant it. We were still young in my dream. And my soul was being fed with love.

I had a dream.
Green was the main colour in this picture-perfect dream, with rolling hills of fresh and fragrant green grass. Chrysanthemums and daffodils grew all over the place, we could barely tell apart the different flowers from their mutual colour. Yellow.
I asked you, "What are my favourite flowers?"
You looked at me with a facial expression I could not decipher, blank is what it seemed like. You looked around your feet. Your feet did not move at all, and I wondered deeply if you could figure out what my favourite flowers were. You plucked one of the yellow flowers in a swift. You said, "You like chrysanthemums." in that matter-of-fact tone of voice. You handed the flower to me. As you did this, I asked, "Ok then smart guy, what's my other favourite?"
I giggled because I knew the last flower was nowhere in the field.
Before my hand could grab the chrysanthemum from yours, you retracted your outstretched hand, leaving me with a dazed expression. You smiled and cupped the flower with your hand, what was he doing? After a few seconds, you freed the flower from the barriers of your hands. I was shocked, I could not believe my eyes. You giggled at my spaced-out expression, "I know you like these the most."
And there it was, lying in your boney, fragile hands laid a pink rose.

I had a dream.
We walked home after the 'flower game'. We walked alongside the stone steps that led to your stone cottage home. As we trotted and frolicked by the stone steps, from a distance, we saw an old woman. She gave you a look I couldn't understand.
All of a sudden, you had disappeared into your cottage and into your den. You ran from my side, leaving me with a gray and withered rose. I touched it with a brush of my finger, and like a house of cards, in ashes it came crashing down. I knocked on the door you disappeared into. That same woman answered the door and told me to "...stay away from here." I was initially shocked and pained. "Does this mean I can't see _____ anymore?" I asked her and she replied, "Never ever." She sounded like you too.
Do you remember? "Never ever." is what you said when I asked you, "What would you do if we were to break up?" You answered me saying, "I don't know about you but I'm never leaving you. Never ever."
I guess it was never meant.
Pegasus then came flying into the scene and I warned the lady saying, "I'll be back."
All of a sudden, I had grown from a 7 year old child into a matured young adult and must I say, I looked hot. I looked down on my right arm and I had a machine-gun for an arm. Experienced yet unexperienced as I felt, I climbed onto Pegasus' back and yelped, "HYAH!"
We were soaring past beautiful streetlight-lit towns, cities and countries in the sky. Pegasus jumped, jolted and skipped on the white clouds of the clear blue sky. We had gone around the whole world in what seemed like one night.

I had a dream.
We flew back to the house you had disappeared into, landing with numerous thuds and stumbles. I jumped off Pegasus, yielding my machine-gun arm. I walked through the door and ended up in a new world. I turned around and realised I had walked through a portal.
This started to remind me of that video game I used to play when I was 8, Spyro.
I hesitated, I feared walking any further into the unknown world. This whole new world was empty and there were numerous blackholes raging the violet sky. I walked back through the portal and cried to Pegasus telling him, "He's gone! He's gone forever!"

I had a dream.
Pegasus and I began making our way home on foot. We walked along the stone steps and the lovely grassy fields I spent my last moments with you. Each step we took made me cry bubbles. As the bubbles floated, the sunshine against them reflected rainbows. They floated into Heaven. We reached my wooden cottage. I slept and started to dream.

I had a dream.
I was woken up by Pegasus and my house elf, Dobby. "Master, someone is here to see you." Dobby shied away with each word spoken. It was as if I was about to give him a beating, which I have never done in my whole life. I walked down the creaking, wooden stairs of my so-called house to see someone sitting by the fire with a guitar. His back turned towards me.
Bluntly I asked him, "Hello? Who are you?" I was ready to exercise my machine-gun arm.
"Don't be so blunt, you can't recognise an old friend?" his deep masculine voice made my spine tingle.
It was you! With a guitar in hand. I leapt up off my feet and ran towards you, carelessly flinging my machine-gun arm around. I hugged you so tightly, just the way I remembered it.
I asked you, "What is the guitar for? And what happened? Where did you go?..." My mouth managed to spit out every question I've been meaning to ask you since your unexpected and mysterious disappearance.
"I spent 100 years learning the guitar just so I can play this one song to you."

And I woke up.

Abercrombie

"...And when we're old and gray, we'll hold hands and skip these woods. We'll be frolicking in the snow. We'll laugh and cry and say, "See I told you this day would come." It's only just a few years now."

The worst is over now and we can breathe again.
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away.
_______________________________

Side note: I'm not implying that everyone experiences the following. Either it'd be in the wrong order, or none at all; it is merely something I may have have seen, felt, done. Experienced.
All I've done is that I've typed it in a generalising manner.

When you're young, you generally wish to reach the age where independence and freedom appeals. You want to grow up immediately that you almost forget about your present life. You miss out on child/tween/teen/adolescenthood dreaming about tomorrow. The older, wiser adults would assume that you're craving maturity and acceptance... But they would never know what your intentions are. Nonetheless, maturity and acceptance is not gained through wishing wholeheartedly for it, but it is through accepting who you are and those in your surroundings... No matter what age or sex or whatever distinct characteristic you behold.

When you're young, you'd think that your first boyfriend (or the first person you were involved with emotionally) was the boy of your dreams. The one you'll spend the rest of your life with. You'll cry when the infantile relationship ends. You'll think that there'll be no other person in the world for you. After a month, you'll feel like your life is ending until you meet someone new two weeks later. Each time you get involved with someone, and each time that good bond breaks, a problem or mistake arises. You'll learn from it, something new, and hopefully you'll apply the new and improved changes into your next relationship.

You might take a different route and realise that relationships at a young age are no use.
You'll stay single for a while, until the right time comes. It'll be hard at first, but you'll feel so free.

Without warning, others might take a liking to you.
You're living your life, breezing through your successes in life. You've got all the time in the world but someone wants to take it from you. You're happy without such company, but the feeling won't be mutual as all they wish for is you. Nothing's ever fair, but that's what makes us stronger.

Only recently have I learnt that pretending or lying won't get you anywhere.
He kept telling me, "Stop pretending to be happy. I know you're not."
I told him, "Hah! What the heck are you on about? I haven't said anything."
"I can see it in your eyes."
"Cliché line. But er, you can't. Stop making up stuff."
He grunted, I could feel his annoyance-meter sky-rocketing. "Stop acting."
And he left.

_______________________________

My ideas are so tedious and self-centered lately. I hate it.

A Million Thank Yous...

...will never level the prayers
you have prayed for her.

I came home from the 18th party at 1:15am. I made sure my brother was still home and ready to sleep. He didn't sleep until an hour later, but I let him. I told myself, It's ok to be lenient for once. He's growing up anyway.
Dax stayed up with me until 4:30am, he wanted to stay up the whole night, but I told him no. We talked and he listened as I cried for 90% of the time. I have never cried this much in two days for anyone. I wouldn't stop worrying. She means the world to me.
Dax and I were supposed to watch Yes Man today, but I promised Lauren that I'd call her after the operation. He told me, "Don't worry. We can always watch it next week."
I woke up at 5pm. With 12.5 hours of sleep.
And I called her straight after I ate.
Relief.
She's in more pain than she originally was.
But it's been removed, hopefully she'll be better.

I asked her, "Do you want me to keep this secretive?"
She said, "No it's ok, you can tell. Pio [bf] wrote a chain letter and sent it to all his contacts."
I teased her. I smiled at the thought that he cares as much, my brother from another mother.

What basically happened was that she had a bacterial infection which poisoned her blood. This caused a boil to arise on her skin and it needed to be operated on, to be removed. I asked my mum what the proper term for it was, and she told me they still don't know what the diagnosis is. Gosh.

Your prayers mean the world to all of us.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you Lord, especially.
_________________________

The usual entries will resume tomorrow.

Hair Standing On End

One of the most important people in my life is sick.
My best friend is in hospital.

My mum told me that she's been trying to reach me, but she was unable to. I'm scared, I'm on the edge of bursting out into tears. I can't do anything but pray for her; she's 9000 miles away.
If anything, even if you as a reader don't know her, I beg my heart to you as I say please pray for her.
My tears gave way.

Time Stops For No Mouse

No time left. I've only got 03m:01s.

I'm at Changi Airport at the moment and I'm only a few minutes away from lift off. I'm coming back home.
When I get home, I've only got a handful of hours to prepare for Marix's legal party. And then it's crunch time.
I love you. I really do.

Love you, love Bonez.

Hello 2009

It's 2009 and I'm currently in Singapore.
I leave for Melbourne tomorrow night and I'm heaps excited.

So my resolutions are (I almost called 'em revelations):
Be good, have fun, stick to the bet and ease up.
They're all pretty self-explanatory. This year's gonna be heaps crazy.
What's yours?

New Year's Eve/New Year's was crazy.
We went to Marina Bay (Singapore) where there was some huge gig/countdown. We were orignally supposed to go to the Siloso beach party, but it was $120 per head. We got to Marina Bay 2 hours earlier than anticipated. My brother was getting bored and annoyed and I was itching for some action. Time came, two hours later and the fireworks went off and such. It was crazy, especially the end. I'll be sure to upload videos from that night.
The crowds were crazy. Unbelievable. We were all walking on a huge section of grass where there were hardly any lights. We all looked and sounded like zombies. There would be the occasional woots and New Year's cheers from crowds which invited everyone to join in.
I think that everyone there that night broke some sort of law.
There was the unnecessary jaywalking, public disturbances, littering (it's Singapore, it's illegal). There were unintended fights breaking out between drunks and there was vomit in bushes.
Parties were happening in pretty much every corner of Singapore. I loved it.
We got back to the hotel after 3 hours of walking and finding our way home. Dad and I stopped by the petrol station to pick up energy drinks and ice cream.
We all ate and drank our hearts out and we couldn't sleep for hours after that.

I got my fifth piercing on the 30th of January. I know it's not "as cool" compared to the other people who have 2938748234 piercings, but I find it cool.
My mum found out on New Years Eve, she was cool about it. And surprisingly, she let me keep it, considering how anal she gets about piercings.

Fingers-crossed, I hope to get that laptop I've been asking my parents for. As soon as I get that, my brother and I are going to make YouTube videos/vlogs/song covers/etc.
And another random thing, I've been writing down blog ideas on my iPhone since I've been away from Blogspot. I think they're pretty cool, IMO. I'll be sure to include them in my upcoming entries.

I'm getting my glasses today.
I've got a higher prescription and my glasses are round. Like Elton John/John Lennon's glasses.

I'm out for now, but not forever.
My brother wants to get on.
Ciao.

Half In Love With Elizabeth, Mystery Jets