Two Minutes Of Hate

Don't act like a solid turd,

Don't pretend that I'm not there.

I know you see me. So make an effort to talk.

You know I've been trying.

...

Sun shining, I rock back and forth into and out of the shade as I step into the sunlight. I can't recall, the sun hasn't shone like this since summer. The locker door swings to my left, creating a barrier between everything that's there and my vision. As I reach for the top shelf of my locker, my dictionary and iPod fall. Ouch. I bend down to collect the fallen items and the barrier disappears. From the corner of my eye, I see he sits leaning against the pole. Laughing along with his friends, his smile throbs painfully within me. I shut my eyes tight, and forget that he's there.
____________________________________
I can make you believe anything, so I'm told.
Sleep time. Ciao.
Hello May! In approx. 24 minutes.

This Morning I Could Hear The Sounds, The City Burning To The Ground

You'd think that all girls are the same. But I beg to differ.

There's a girl you meet and your first impression of her is innocence. Pure, untouched and vulnerable. The type that goes to school to study and 'hangs' with the girls who live in a world of restrictions and innocence. The type who goes straight home and does what she's told.
But you grow to realise that she's the dirtiest thing you'll come across. The sexual creature that boys prey to touch her breasts, 'cause she'd let you. She's the one who'll let her boobs hang out of her school uniform and play around. She's the one who'll break your heart.

There's a girl you meet and your first impression of her is... Rebellious bitch. With eyes that look like they're permanently locked on grease-mode, with looks that could kill. The type that goes to school to spit gum at teachers and blu-tack your locks. The type of girl who'll probably end up pregnant in the next few weeks. She's not educated in anything else but sex, drugs, and scary music.
But you grow to realise that the reason why she's never online is that she's really got her head caught in her textbooks. That her hands are rough and blistered, not from fights, but from writing. From studying. Obeying her parents, she'd never lay a tone on them. She's devoted to faith and she remains untouched. Her mind's in her head and not on her breasts. And she's not afraid to say no to anyone, anytime. She's the one who'll break your heart.

These two comparisons, darling do they seem familiar?
They're your past loves, with their differences set side-to-side.
_____________________________________

Worked overtime again.
Maybe Mr. Lech isn't that bad. He's ok... When he's not teaching.
I dodged IT today and had spares instead. I "missed" my bus.
Jess was putting paper dandruff in my hair and had to walk around the whole school. The deal was to see how many people would come up to me and point out the mess in my hair.
Our count was 41 people, not including funny looks.

Omg, the scratch Alex gave me is becoming more and more noticeable.
"Wow, who attacked you?" or "Omg, what happened to your face?"
This is seriously gonna scar.
"It's not that bad babe, it's like having a piece of Alex on your face. Forever."
OH FUCK YOU!

I'm not looking for a marriage proposal, let alone a relationship.
I just want to talk to you. Is that bad?
Let's see how tomorrow goes.

Today was a nice day. The weather in the afternoon, it should be like that all year 'round.

When I Grow Up

The version by Lissvik is really good as well.

Worked overtime today, by an hour and a half, to complete administration folders, update records and etc. I'm not gonna waffle on about my day, and already, I can hear your groans of disappointment.

Ok, I'm definitely sure that it's awkward between us now. I don't know who's got the problem but I'd like to fix it asap. Everything seemed fine this Friday.
I miss poking your dimples.

Another useless blog for today, I might start working on my chem. and IT questions.

I Got Cat-Scratched

By Alex the brutal bitch! I have like fingernail scars on my face.
And it bleeds whenever I start festering my cheeks.
I comment her eyebrows and do an imitation of her and she attacks me!
So you know what I said to her?
"You know our year 7 promise to go bunjee jumping and sky-diving together when you're 19 and I'm 18?
WELL YOU CAN SAY GOODBYE TO THEM! IT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN NOW!"

Ahahahahahaha I love you!

Aaaaw! What an old school photo of us you crazy bitch!

All We Do Is Linger, Slipping Through My Fingers

The world slows down,

But my heart beats fast right now,

I know this is the part where the end starts.

This is the only song by the Pussycat Dolls I've ever truly loved. I love the video and everything. Oh! Especially the video.

I'm done waiting on you. It's time I took my heart back.

There was no IT SAC today, so much for worrying throughout the holidays. Cramming for my ad. gen. SAC tomorrow. I'm on a break right now broooo.

I don't normally do stupid things like admit my feelings. (Smirks) He and I were both astonished, his first mental reaction was "Wow! You actually have feelings, you stone. Like other people, that's understandable. But you..."

lol
im gonna keep u guessing lol
OMFG
ill tell u by end of the year lol
haha
NO
HUNG
NOSOI!!!!!
ull find our on muck up day lol
haha

Parent-Teacher Interviews

Went well, pretty funny. Laughed in every interview, I love my mum and teachers.
Except for Mr Lech. I love chemistry! Just not the teacher!

I've been indulging in mainstream music lately. I tuned into the radio for the first time in months to listen to music (I download podcasts to listen to Hamish and Andy, just so I wouldn't miss out on much) and the music's actually not bad! Mum knows the words to Pokerface and other few songs and I could not be more astonished! Whatta gun!

But I love her general taste in music as well. Sade, Lionel Richie, Boy George, Prince, Al Jarreau...
Compared to dad's, he listens to Bread, Nat King Cole, Jose Mari Chan, Frank Sinatra, Michael Learns To Rock, Kenny G, Elton John... Still some of my favourites.

Got an A on my methods test today, but I was a little disappointed that I couldn't get any higher. Those stupid mistakes cost me 3 marks! IT SAC tomorrow. Oh noez.

Just general talk today, might get into creative writing a little sooner.
Cyber-kisses!

My Lazy Sundays

Edward: (To Jake) "It's alright buddy, it's better out than in."
Bonez: "Are you talking about what I think you're talking about?"
Edward: "Yeah, Jake's got constipation."
...
Patrick: "Bonez, what class do you have next?"
Bonez: "..."
Patrick: "History?"
Bonez: "..."
Patrick: "Sweet!"
...
Alex: "Yeah and we can include the horrors of the 7/11 bombings."
...
Alex: "I only have 3 pages!" (Holding up 5 fingers)
...
Leanne: "So bitch, what're you getting for my seventeenth?"
Bonez: "A helicopter."
Leanne: "No way!"
Bonez: "Yes way. You see how windy it is? It means it's coming."

_____________________________________

I've completed the meth. rev. sheet for the test tomorrow. D'you think I should do further study? I hate tutor work. And work. And anything else that requires effort.
Mon: Meth. test on funcs., rels. and transfs.
Tues: IT SAC on virtual teams.
Wed: Ad. gen. test on errrrrrrr, chapter 6. Oh fruitcake.

Reminders:
- Alterations
- Finish reading Part I of 1984 by Tues. or you're screwed.

I don't care, I'm dropping chem. next year.
I'd better start on the extra revision. Ciao

Ride On... Ride Till Early Morning Sun

Ride on... Like the dawning of the day.
It's too late to let all your feelings show,
Go on, 'till the night has swept away.

Moping deemed unnecessary, but I needed to cry. I kept the bottle shut tight for a very long time; it only took a weekend of tears to unscrew the diamond-strength cap. I feel unburdened now. A little birdy told me that you were living a double life; the pessimistic, hurting, twisted-minded life and the outer facade you use to balance out your insanity by just. That convincing facade that had me once, the one that joked and laughed and "loved". You wrote wishes to turn back the hands of time, to repent for the mistakes you've done to lose the people who loved you. I wanted to help you, I wished. But both our wishes can never come true, isn't that right?

You won't open up. And as a man, you let your pride take over to desperately hide your vulnerability. I don't mind if you cry on my shoulder and build lakes with your tears, I've been having nightmares about it.

One day, something will happen and it'll force us to talk.

Strobe Lights Make Everything Sexy

B: (Starts whipping out infamous clubbing moves)
H: "Put the dance moves away, you scare me."
...
H: "You look intellectually stimulating."
B: "You look intellectually gay."

Just came back from Em's and her partay was pretty wicked. Simple, but wicked. Chillaxed to some indie rock while eating vegetarian quiche and pinwheels with hummus, tzatziki, celery, carrots, vodka-tinted punch and easter eggs.
After, we played Singstar and THAT was funny. During one of the songs, we started smearing cheesecake in each others' faces while screaming to 1985 by Bowling For Soup.
The girls were blowing bubbles and I DO RECALL ASKING SOMEONE IF THE BUBBLES WERE EDIBLE. They said yes so I started joining in on the fad. BASTARDS. Carly tells me it's NOT edible when she sees me running after bubbles with my mouth wide open and Alex shoves the bloody bubble blowing stick in my mouth and all I could taste was SOAP.
I love these Singstar nights with the girls, it'll never get old.

Pretty happy-chappy at the moment. Aren't you?

Sweet Sixteen Cocktail Party

Theme: Hollywood icons.
Emily's soon! Don't know if he counts as a Hollywood icon, but I'm going as Hagriddy.
Will update with pix if I get my hands on any! :)

Dance prac was tiring today. We learnt Ty's choreo to some gangster song. Pretty tough. But it got really tiring towards the end. And then we went over Arv's choreo, Hot And Cold by Lily Allen, and I was seriously sore all over and I wanted to sleep. Just got home and it's raining.
I'd better start making my way to Em's!
______________________________________

I want to skip to the end of the year.

Let's Play A Game

H: "Ok babe, let's play a game of dares. Are you ready?"
B: "Yeah! Let's go."
H: "I dare you to... Shake what your mumma gave ya! ;)"
B: "My mumma gave me arms, SO I'M SHAKING MY ARMS!"

Ahahahahahahahahahahaha, love it.

9 Crimes

Leave me out with the waste, this is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you.

It's true! Music really does effect your mood, as do other things.
Summer, the sun, sunshine, road trips with my favourite people, driving/walking around in the city's nightlife, independence, grass (especially the grass outside the State Library!), picnics, indie music, shopping for secondhand books and vintage clothing, animals!, dinner with my family, being with my favourite people, and I love love love mixtapes!...
I'd almost forgot the things that make me happy.

Jess made me a mixtape for my birthday. I love it! Included are all the songs that remind her of me, awwwwwww. We listened to it in lunchtime on that same day and we moved all the tables to the corners of the room and the girls and I had a picnic and a chill out sesh.

Today was the swimming carnival, and it was pretty dull at first until they whipped out the music ;) People thought the music choice was ridiculous but I loved it! Every song except 99 Red Balloons and Love Story. Mat Turk had Love Story stuck in my head the whole day (literally), it's not my fault you like it! For a pretty buff athlete, you have strange taste!
The girls and I danced to Grease Lightning and all these other old school songs... AND WHEN THE KILLERS AND EMPIRE OF THE SUN CAME ON! We just went wild!

We picnic'd out at the tents with barbecue flavoured chips while we played Thirteen and Snap. Pretty fun day! And I got second place in the relay. Woo!
Then the guys, Ana and I went to Maccas after school.

And I can't believe 90% of the people I know hate the song Electric Feel by MGMT. It's one of my favourite songs of all time!
Albums to buy:
- Juno Soundtrack
- V For Vendetta Soundtrack
- Ladyhawke's new album
- Empire Of The Sun's new album
- Oracular Spectacular, MGMT

Current favourites:
- 9 Crimes by Damien Rice
- Hide And Seek by Imogen Heap
- Hallelujah by Imogen Heap
- Sweet Religion by Imogen Heap
- All I Want Is You by Kimya Dawson
- Vampire by Antsy Pants
- Seaside by The Kooks
- Last Train Home by Ryan Star (OMG, how could I have forgotten this song!)

__________________________________________

And for these past three days, I could not have felt more teenager as I paced around the school, hoping to find you. If you asked me four weeks ago, I knew nothing but your name. For four years, I've known nothing of you but your name. All until you stole my pencilcase, and everything changed.

The Secret Life

So, tell me, are we gonna be on non-speaking terms for the rest of our lives?
You tried, and I tried to sustain it. You gave up, and I left.

'Cause We Will Never Be The Same

I've been standing in gas, and you have been the flame.
So I know sorry just wouldn't do it.

It's much harder than I initially thought.
Forgetting with love, and not hate.

________________________________________

Boring,
Now the word to describe who I am.
Interesting?
People aren't interested in your knowledge and the little facts that you know.
They want action. They want promiscuity. They want fun.
They don't want individuality, they want conformity. They don't want people with intelligence and ambition, they want educational procrastinators who're nice to look at. And here I am, generalising.
Here I was, laughing and being loud. Saying things I normally wouldn't say. This is ridiculous. Solid crap.
I don't want to be treated rudely, or to made fun of, but here I am taking every hit.
Me? Serious? Is that a joke?
No.
My self esteem is dying, they won't accept me for who I am. So pretend!
Pretend! Pretend! PRETEND, MOTHERFUCKING PRETEND!

I'm losing myself.
I'm sick of living in the shadow of my alter ego.

I need You.

Hypah-Bow-Luh (Hyperbola)

And I guess that she's alright,
If perfection's what you like.

Reminders:
- Pick up lay-by'd pants from Sportsgirl
- Deb tix by Friday
- Athletics carvnival tomorrow
- Prac on Sat. at Kuya Ty's?
- YFC Cluster in two weeks?
- Meth. test, Mon.
- Ad. Gen. test, Wed.

Oh my Google, mum walks into my room and suddenly smells of frying fish blasts into my room. B\
I'm seriously grateful for this week, no chemistry. I'm gonna drop chem. next year. I don't care, I can't stand my teacher.
Dear HVT, I hate it when you do this to me. Love, Gina.
I cut my fringe, it's ok. So much for planning to grow it out.
BYE FRIENDS.

Pretty. Random.

1) Get knuckle tattoos before I die

I was searching up knuckle tattoos on Google and I came across this:

Yeah, thought that was pretty funny.

2) Amsterdam with Gian in 2013

I'm 21 and my brother'll be 18.
Was inspired to go after we watched the "hash cookie" scene in EuroTrip.

3) Career and Kenya

I recently thought of taking up fashion design as a career. If you asked me if I'd do fashion design three weeks ago, I would've given you a big fat no. But chances of that happening are low, so I might stick with architecture. There go my dreams of doing ICT Network Security.

Either after year 12 or after I get a degree, planning to spend a year in Kenya to specialize in education for UNICEF. Big dream. O_O

4) Gettin' me Marley done

Or better known as the tongue frenulum.
Piercing this Sunday or the weekend after. Or the one after that.

5) Get lower back tatt done before I die

6) Venting work frustrations

Working 4 days a week now :@

7) 1984

Reading it now, ciao!

Crop Circles In The Carpet, Sinking, Feeling

Hide And Seek by Imogen Heap
Fave song atm. Love love love!

Currently obsessed with the bohemian look.

Catch Ellusive DC at Groove Dance Competition. I'm yet to learn the date.
RAW Juniors on May 30th at the Collingwood Town Hall with Den, Karnhy and Gian. Possibly more people.

Reminders:
- to complete deb forms (or ask for an extension), totally forgot.
- alterations for deb dress.
- braces :D

MR. ENGLISH IS IN SPAIN FOR THE WHOLE OF TERM 2 :@
Sleep is essential, so off I am to fulfill my needs.

Fake It Till You Make It

Mum: "It won't bring him back, child. It's God's way of saying there's a better person for you, if you'd just be patient. Let go of the past and learn to accept the future."

I can't be emotional like this forever.

Ghosts Of York

"Tell me that you could hear it,

Three taps under the floorboard."

I read her name on the base of the letter and rivers were pouring out of my eyes, thunder of my chest clapped as I struggled to breathe, the regret of my heart pulling me down to the floor.
'I love you' she wrote, and I just lost it.

Can you feel me hurting in more ways than one?

Thank you to the girl who sang this song to me, I love you beef.
Not to mention each and everyone of my favourite girls. (L)
Love love love!

Drunk Minds Speak Sober Hearts

Post-drunk, really.

Breathing, though not breathing. My lungs worked so hard to consume as much air as I could, but I couldn't. Anxiety attacks, my hand clutching my chest. She held onto me so tightly, her words blurred. Tears drowning my face, I was feeling hot. It was your face I saw in the stars, in the night sky. The attack grew stronger.
I called out your name, my heart taking the hit with each call. Thud. Thud. Thud.
I called out for my mum, this was getting out of hand. I reassured her that calling my mum would be fine. Each letter paused with a pant. I couldn't speak.
"It's... Ok... She... Kn...Ows"
My mum knows. My mum knows everything. She'll love me no matter what, that's the only thing I believed about her.
She came and reached her arms out to me, my attack stopped.
Relief overcame me, and I could breathe.
I haven't cried like that in a while, see how much I miss you?
You're not worth it, they tell me. Is it really true?

I need to get a grip.

If only you knew how much I wanted to tell you "Stay." that day.

Obsessive Compulsive

I'm okay, really.

Is it just me or is your friend's dad sharing dirty jokes with you wrong?

- I can't sleep with any doors open. No cupboards, nothing even slightly open.
- All lights out and power switches off when I go to bed. In fear that something may spark and burn the house down.
- I can't share anything liquidy with people. Eg. water, drinks, ice cream, ice cubes, etc.
- I must have individual cups and straws.
- No sharing utensils.
- I can't eat the parts that people have bitten off from something.
- I can't share anything edible with someone who's eaten meat in the past 24 hours.
- Organic shampoo only.
- Anti-bacterial soap only.
- No bandaids (allergy); hypo-allergenic adhesive strips, hypo-allergenic wound pads and iodine strips only.
- I won't consume anything that is a product of or contains pineapple or any traces of it.
- I won't use anything that has been animal-tested.
- Free-range eggs only.
- I won't go out of the house without deodorant and make-up.
- My shoes must match my clothes or discomfort will be the only thing on my mind throughout the whole day.
- Don't tell me it's perfect when I say it's not. 'Cause it's not perfect.
- I criticise my music heavily. If I get a wrong note, I must start from the beginning or I feel incomplete.
- I criticise my art heavily. Don't tell me it's already good enough when I spot a flaw. It's not good enough!
- The left side of my body must feel equal to my right. This means equal amount of make-up, accessories, etc.
- I HATE MY HAIR FLAT.
- My nails should always be long.
- Socks with boots. Always.
- School work must be in order, and books in locker must be in alphabetical order (according to subject)
- I have to skip two steps going up, and must take every step going down.
- I hate holding public hand railings, in fear that I may contract AIDs.
- iTunes library; every word must start with a capital. Featuring artists must be written in title, not in artists list. Title, artist, album name and album cover art are perfection priorities.
- EVERYTHING MUST BE IN ORDER.

- When I see lyrics typed incorrectly, or it is grammatically incorrect, I twitch.
- Bedroom doors must always be CLOSED.

- Movie titles and song titles must always be in italics.

- I recycle gum.

- I clean my belly bar every 30 minutes. Even while sleeping sometimes.

- I must always have a back-up lip piercing in case it gets confiscated or lost.

Typed some of my insecurities just to let you guys know how much of a freak I am.

Cupid...

...don't fuck with me!
I'm seeing beautiful everywhere, really.

Slept at 4am yesterday;
Was getting crowded in my room. Was suffocating.
Read previous blog for more infoooooo.

Was woken up at 11-something am. Let ('sister') called me up to ask if I was going George's tonight. "Yeah" I said and she asked to call Yen (best friend). I called Yen, and Yen said she might go and called Let back to tell her. Omgoose at yo-yo-ing phone calls.
Couldn't get back to sleep, and decide to deep fry hash browns. Oh I love fatty mornings!
Brother and I were having fun at the kitchen, tong-fighting and cracking yo' mumma jokes.
Decided to eat breakfast while having a How I Met Your Mother marathon.
Yen calls up and Rykes'. Three-way yay!
Discussed what costumes we should wear for upcoming youth camp on Friday. (Theme this year: battle gear!)
Decided to go costume shopping in a couple of hours, Rykes couldn't go 'cause she had visitors over at her place. Boo!
Told mum, and she was all like yeah yeah.
So I shower after watching the 5th episode of season 1. Finished to find that I'm home alone.
My mum and brother left without me! (Bro had tutoring)
Messaged my best friend about the slight dilemma, and decided to play some pia-no-no while waiting. Piano room had a plumbing problem and the carpets were soaked! We don't even have a sink in there!
Earlier in the week, I learnt how to play You Found Me by The Fray (whole song) in 5 minutes.
Best friend's mum ended up picking us up. Mum came home at the right time. OH MY SHIT.

Got to Lombards and we were there for agesssssssssss!
Our costume ideas went from the three musketeers, to Italian gangsters, to superheroes and goblins.
We finally decided. I'm going as Hagrid (or neanderthal with club), Yen's going as Merlin (weapon: wand) and Rykes is Harry Potter (broom!).
Walked to Waterg's and walked. Walked. Walked.
Took the bus home. And that was the best bus ride ever.
"OMG YOU SLUTTY BITCH! Inflate and deeeeeeflate! ;)"

Finally got home at 6 and got a call from Let saying that she'll pick me up at 7 to go George's.
Went on the net to check emails from teachers, general emails, MySpace, Facebook and MSN.
Chatted to Hung, NJ and Jon for a while before I left.

Got to George's. She wasn't there 'cause of work so we decided to wait outside in the cold by the main road. Kealba/Sunshine is a creepy place at night!
"Scarywhitevan, scarywhitevan, scarywhitevan."
Talked for agesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. About life.
You know what we girls talk about ;)

Arv and Karl finally arrive. Followed by Ly.
"OMG, THE LIGHTS IN THE HOUSE TURNED ON. GGGHHHOOOSSSTTTT"
Chilled in the cold until George came.

Got in and munched on chips and pizza and spiders. Yum yum!
Played with real life samuri swords and laughed and shit.
Watched When A Stranger Calls.
That movie gets me everytime! I love it!
We finished, George and Robin's older brother got a little pissy at us being a bit too loud. So we moved to the garage/chill out place.
Played foozball, bet Arv, Let and PK. Yayayayaya bitchhhh.
Went to their older brother's workshop thing. I swear, they have like 20 garages.
He has a hot car. A Supra?
We played Norweigian Nosedive. SO FUNNNNNNNNNNN.
Like so fuckin' fun, I can't explain.

Went home. Greeted Let a huuuuuuuuuge happy fuckin' birthday and sang to Robbie Williams on the way home.
OMFG PASSION CALLED HER UP AND SANG HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Got home at 12 and here I am.

H, don't fuckin' use me then lose me. :@

Hello Darren!

I'm Trying

I'm in a positive mood, really.

You know what they say; messy bed, messy head.
So I cleaned my room, packed most of my childhood clothing into boxes, removed unnecessary obstacles, organised and made so much space in my room.
I love love love space.
"We can do so many activities!" ~ Step Brothers.

Oh, and while the cleaning spree, I found my old iPod shuffle! Those 'new generation' ones (it's not so new anymore) that are built with a clip. You know... Those friggin' cute ones.
I've been looking for it for over a year now.

I've changed my hairstyle, even though outgrowing the fringe isn't really much of a change, I feel different. I guess that's what really counts. I'm getting to know and talk to people I talk to very seldom...ly? Or very seldom talk to?
LOL my mum's English is rubbing off on me.

I'm opening my heart, and it feels good.
I still miss you though!

I know I've made mistakes before but this one hit the books, now I'm just history.
I can't adjust to the fact you ain't coming back and it just eats at me! (8)

New

I'm happy, really.

Thea came over today. Watched One More Chance, a Filipino movie, and we chilled and talked in my room for a while after that. It's nice to have someone over.
Was meant to go shisha/hookah-ing with Yen but she had so much work to do.
Hung's phone fails ):

Meeting up with Kris tomorrow to exchange movies and such, via disc and external. Looking for a job for him, with him. Shouting me sushi, backs to each other while eating 'cause we both don't like to be looked at while eating. (Giggle) After, nicking off to the city to look for some clothes to lay-by in Basement or other places. Might drop into Retrostar and that vintage shop parallel to Flinders. Then coming back to Watergardens to watch Paul Blart: Mall Cop with Kris and his friends if I feel like it. Doubt I will though.
Was meant to watch Aliens Vs. Monsters with Leanne and her little cousin.

Wednesday, meeting up with Kris for a split second to return my Skins (season 1 & 2). 8pm, to George's for movie night. :)!

Work on Thursday, 3:30 to 7. Asking for early leave, 5:30. It's my "sister"'s birthday dinner. I don't have a sister, but we're that close. Hopefully you can relate. :)

Friday, youth camp till Sunday!

Taking The Chance, Losing The Chance, Wanting The Chance, Keeping The Chance

I'm taking this chance, to admit.
I'm giving up my vulnerability, and I'm not backing out.
I know you won't like this, not one bit. But this is courage overtaking me.
You've been telling me to move on since day one.
But I'm gonna stop pretending, I've been pretending for over a year now.

I know that what I'm about to type is true. Wow, it's hard but it won't stop me.
Not these tears that're streaming down my face, not the heart pounding it's way out.

I miss you. I love you.
And I don't understand why.
If only a miracle could let you know.

Motherfucking Dreams

My mum motherfucking lies, lies, LIES.
I can't even trust my own mother.
_______________________________________

I had a dream last night.
I was swimming in Gatorade; the flavours changed every 30 minutes. Sometimes there would be no flavour. There were three lanes, all separated by glass panels. There were other people there, but I always swam in my own lane.

It was time to go and we all decided to get changed, my dream was a blur after that.

I was being driven in circles around my block by somebody's dad in a family van. I was in the passenger seat, the rest were in the back. The ones who weren't able to fit, carpooled with other people.

We were going to my house, and I stepped in.
Another surprise birthday party.
I told them that my birthday was three weeks ago, the only response I got was "Who cares?" It was my house, but in the dream it seemed bigger with large marble columns; the type you'd see in the Crown hotels. I was being introduced to people I didn't know. I didn't know what the surprise was about.

A friend of mine, whom does not exist in real life, tells me that my surprise was mingling in the crowd in the far corner. A group of people are following as she skips to the corner. Guys in black with their backs turned against me. All of them turned around but my eye only caught one.

I ran. I ran so fast, so far away from the place. My 'entourage' were following. They didn't understand 2 things;
1) I wanted to be left alone.
2) They didn't expect how this would affect me.
One of them finally caught up to me, and we decided to talk about different matters as we walked around this freakishly stunning home.
I reached my lounge room and I see a familiar face on the couch watching soccer with these other unknowns. I knew he wasn't watching soccer. It seriously wasn't his thing to 'watch soccer'.
Matthew. I skipped up to him and kissed him on the cheek, "Why haven't I seen you?"
"You did see me, you ran away. I was one of the surprises."
I was stunned and shocked and... Any other synonyms to surprised. He was upset because of that. "Hold your head high boy, I'm sorry, I didn't see you there."

I'm not sure if he was still upset but I decided to walk around some more, paranoid that I may ever bump into him. Paranoid and scared.

I decided to get out of there, and once again, that somebody's dad drove me, along with the other passengers who were in the previous drive. This time, everybody was carpooling and following our van. We drove around the block numerous times. Those who didn't have a car walked and rode their bikes. I saw some familiar faces but I grew scared. We were being followed by people I both know and don't know. It was like a zombie movie, except these people were alive.

I woke up.

Napalm Shots

I'm officially addicted to Skins.
I've just finished watching the rest of season 1 while texting Kris simultaneously.

Love love love.

Blaze That Shit Up And Choof Ya Worries Away

Fighting a war inside my mind, I'm all lost the more I find
The more I ride toward the skies; open wide, rain warm
You get ya brain torn, brain storm till the pain gone
- Drug Music by Non Phixion

Pills, dope, weed, choof, bong, X, tripz, snow, shoot-'em-up...
The 'feel goods' that destroy you dramatically.

I've done my time regretting.

_________________________________________

You've got it bad when you're stuck in the house, you don't wanna have fun 'cause all you think about...

Who I Am, Who I'm Not, Who I Wanna Be.

Forgive me.

If insanity were a career, I'd be making millions.
Finally the end we've both been waiting for... Disabling communication.

If I see you on the streets, I won't look twice.
I will walk right past you as if you're another passerby.
As if there is no history. None at all.
You might say 'Hello', but that would be a miracle.
I know I won't, because with you, miracles don't happen.
You will look straight past me, and walk the other way.
We will be invisible, completely impervious to one another.
We will finally agree on something, for once.

Uncovered With The Sands Of Truth Lies A Box Of Lies

You're back to your old habits.
So much for wanting to be friends again.

Don't use my body to pleasure yourself to.
I have feelings, as do those who gave up their dignity to please you men.

I've had it with boys.
This is killing me.

Lies, Lust, LIES.

He told me that I know that he's different. He asks me to take a chance on him. I knew not to, but I did slowly. I did slowly.
He wrote me messages and poems of love. He told me that he would never treat me like those other guys.

He told me, "I really don't like you now." And he leaves.
All in a span of 4 days did this happen, what did I do?
All I did was soak it all in. And I feel so heavy.

Why do all guys do that? All that motivates them is lust.
I'm never taking that chance again.

As Long As The Stars Shine Down From The Heavens

He said to me, "If you could put a number on missing someone, the number of stars in the sky times two wouldn't add up to the number I would put on me missing you"

You Make Me Say "Ooh Ahh, Ooh Ahh"

Anthony's y'day.
Trained my way to Flinders, and walked the rest to Crown at 1. It was fucking raining. Didn't know where to meet up 'cause Anthony was like "1pm at Crown"
And everyone's like, "Where in Crown dude? It's pretty huge."
Anyway, was making my way to Galactic Circus, and walked into Geraden and his mum and his mum's boyfriend. LUCKILY.
They made me tag along and we walked to the hotel lobby. Ran into John, and people started building up from there.
Wasted 2 hours trying to sort out rooms so we all decided to go bowling.
Got like 3 strikes. But they were all unintentional. I'm really bad at it.
I bet Geraden in pool and we played a bit of Maximum Tune.

Ugh, people kept touching me.

Had dinner at Sante, went back to our rooms to get ready for the gym and to go swimming.
LOL, Sean, Geraden, John, Luke and I were planning to go to the gym. Sean suggested that we run the stairs for warm up. We were on the 8th floor and the recreation facilities were on the 3rd. We ran so much. We reached the third floor and it was locked. O-M-F-G.
So we ran all the way to the bottom, jumping stairs and we reached an exit. We didn't know if it would alarm if we opened it so we all pushed through the door together. It didn't alarm and we reached the outside world.
I don't know how Sean stood the cold in his Speedos. So we ran back in through Crown, everyone was looking at us, but who gave a shit?
Finally took the lift to the third floor and went to the gym first.

I'll skip the rest.
We went back upstairs and everyone got changed and we were all on our way to play Laser Wars. This was 11pm. Mel and Semra stayed behind 'cause they're tuff bitchiz, LOL
I didn't know it was PYO (pay your own) and I didn't bring anything with me besides my dignity. I refused to let others pay for me so I stayed with Ana, Kat and Tomek. We talked for ages and made our way up to Maccas and KFC. The girls ordered and Tomek and I waited.
We all sat, chatted and waited; I actually liked it.
Ana and I were growing tired, and we didn't want to. There was some drinking to do.
We went over to the KFC tables and half of them were there. The other half played another 3 games and I was getting pissy.
We decided to go back to the rooms and I watched American Dad with Geraden in his room.
Gerz: "Do you mind if I spoon with you?"
Bonez: "The sounds weird. You don't have a spoon."
He ended up sleeping in my lap.

People were coming in and watching with us, so that made me feel less sleepy.
Then I got even more tired after a while so I decided to walk around and ended up watching Sports with Duc and Lawrence.
Then Mel offered me a smoke and some Passion Pop. I needed to be excited but neither of those helped. So I crashed on Rocky's bed/couch (didn't know it turned out to be his at the time) and he, Brandon and Sean crashed next to me when they got back from their thousandth round of Laser Wars.
We all couldn't decide on a movie to watch and Brandon "accidentally" purchased adult movies. That was funny, and we all decided on watching Taken.
I was leaving soon so they decided to play Waterfall and opened the Smirnoff and Cowboys.
I took like a million shots and said my goodbyes to everyone.

I ran between lobbies, looking for mum's car. It was so dark and cold.
Ended up finding it. Mum sussed out that I was drinking but she just laughed.
'Cause right then and there, the alcohol started kicking in.
So I played some Michael Jackson in the car and we sang along to that.
Got home at 3am and crashed.

Rain On Me, Eternal Sunshine

Special mention to Sarahdonuts, Happy Birthday!
You're beautiful bro ;) This vid's for you.

I hate this BLiNK NOMAD wireless Internet thing. I have to friggin' connect and disconnect every 10 minutes.

I smell like shit right now, from last night.
After Anthony's tonight, I don't think I'd want to consume anymore alcohol. Ever.
When I have no make-up on, I look like I'm crying.

So Pretty Mumma, If You're Single...

Friday
Best last day of school y'day. Seriously.

Took the bus to school 'cause mum had to go to Camberwell and service the car. Swear it smelled like sour B.O. on the bus. Stopped at Caroline Springs Shopping Centre and got me a red slurpee from Donut King. That thing is packed with nothing but sugar, ice and food colouring.

Period 1 & 2; stayed in the lib. for spares. Thea bought a tub of ice cream and Joe and Son stole some spoons from the canteen. We shared the whole tube; Sean, Joe, Son, Thea, Hung, Geraden and I. Mm Connosieur (or however the hell you spell it). Honestly, I hate sharing liquidy food with people. Especially water and things that melt. I'm ok with chips, just not those food.

Played slaps with Geraden, Hung helped me out with my debate (the debate that got cancelled till next term O-M-F-G), and got kicked out of lib. so we went to the empty study area and got kicked out of that one too. So the only alternative was to stay outside. We sat on the picnic tables and grass with the year 12s and they started stealing our (Thea and I) things and throwing 'em into either: A) the male toilets, or B) the roof.

I'll skip to lunchtime.

Ingrid, Anastasia, Patrick, Thea, Thuy, Andrew and I blocked the hallway with chairs and pretended to have an 'Alcoholics Anonymous' meeting, then everyone started going crazy and decided to take photos. It started raining and the windows looked like something out of the 'No Air' music video, so Ingrid suggested that we pretend to be in the music video. This lasted for ages and I squeezed Alex's mumma-jummas 'cause she wouldn't let me down from her back.

School ended at 2:20pm, Thea and I ran in the rain to catch the 460 bus to Watergardens. Sean, Hung and Victor were catching that bus:
Sean: "Where are you guys going?"
Thea: "WaterG's"
Sean: "You guys might as well just tag along with us."
So we all rode that bus and decided to watch a movie. Everyone kept looking at Sean 'cause he looks like an 'emo/serial-killer', but I love him for his fucked-upness. Hung totally contrasts Sean 'cause he's the preppy cricket player. We went to JB HiFi first, and Victor And Sean seriously shop worse than females. They take so bloody long just to look at CDs. Luckily I ran into some other people I know. Thea needed to pay for her Jap school at the post office so Hung, Thea and I left to go there while Sean and Victor went to buy some alcohol for Stefan's party. They followed after, to the post office, and told us that Stefan's party was cancelled. What would we do with all the grog that Sean bought? Well, we came up with a brilliant plan and drank in the cinemas. LOL.

We watched Knowing and got intoxicated with Stefan's would've-been-party grog.
I'm gonna skip a whole lot now. Movie finished, said goodbyes though Victor left halfway through the movie 'cause he plays tennis and has a life.
Thea and I took the bus back to my place, got changed in a record time of 28 seconds into tee and trackies and made my way to dance practice, and dropping Thea off on the way.

Dance prac;
Almost vomited a number of times, luckily I didn't. Dance finished and we decided to tell scary stories. Friggin', Marcus' story about the school-built-on-hospital tickled my fear factor. I was sleeping with one eye open, keeping a look out for anything that'll pop out in front of me. Went home, died. Ended up sleeping at 1:30am.

Saturday
Woke up at 9am, showered and got dressed for work.
Right now I'm avoid talking about work so I'll skip to finishing time, 3pm.
Walked over to Cairnlea Shopping Centre after work to grab something to eat. I only had literally a handful of Cornflakes and a Milo yogurt. Decided to go for sushi, thinking I had a sufficient amount of coins to buy 2 rolls.
Went there, saw the cute sushi guy and got my two handrolls. I dig my wallet for coins. EPIC FAILURE, I only have $1.50 and a whole load of 10c coins. I tell him that I'll just take one roll, and he goes, "Don't you have enough cash?" I shake my head.
"Don't worry about it." Smile smile dimples smile smile some more. He's so cute.
"Ok, here are all my coins" and I scoop out all my coins and dump 'em on his hands and run.
Bonez. You. Are. An. Idiot.
Anyway, went out and ate my rolls. Dropped rice like everywhere and the people at the kebab shop were looking at me. Like, I can't eat when people are watching me like I'm on the Discovery Channel.
I realize I'm thirsty and look at my wallet. Bonez you titty-squitter, I realize I have a $5 note.
So I run to Coles and buy the huge bottle of Pepsi (may my insides twist at the name) for $1.

Got home, hopped on MSN and webcam'd with Hung Fu Panda. Typed up half of this blog and made my way to church.

It's like Palm Sunday tomorrow (I think) and got myself a palm. Went straight to Lauren's after (7:30pm) and partied. There was this random guy asking me for a dance battle and we battled. I lost first battle 'cause I ran outta moves. And I gained my reputation back on the second battle.
Drank, drank, drank. Danced, danced, danced.
I don't know if this is possible, but my ankles are numb. I can't feel my feet, I have a throbbing headache and my ears are ringing.
Got home, resumed this blog entry and I feel like a sweaty pig.

Goodnight Bloggers, congratulations if you made it this far into the entry.
Lots of lourve.

Loving Every Second Of It, We Just Walk Away

Blah, boys. Who needs 'em?

You tell me, make up your mind.

And I have, I don't need a man.

I don't need to be vulnerable.

I don't need to feel loved or comforted.

I'm fine on my own. In fact, I'm better on my own.

And Watch Me Spin Circles As I Disappear

April Fools!

Jallx: "Oh my gosh Bonez, you and Flameboi look so good!"
Machine: "Yeah, I know!"
Bonez: "Oh, what? Thanks guys?"
Jallx: "Yeah, I was sitting back watching you and Flameboi dance. You should see the way he looks at you when you two dance."
Bonez: "Huh? I don't believe you. I don't even look at him when we dance."
Jallx: "Well he-"
Bonez: "No stop it! You're making me go red!"
Jallx/Machine: "Aw Bonez! You li-"
Bonez: "No! I like women, damnit! Women!"
Titty: "Tell us something we don't know!"

I'm getting better with school and the school environment. I found out that the cure was to get sufficient amount of sleep, eat lots of food, and to do my homework.
I'm loving 16 so far. I'm in a positive mood, which you and I both know, is not a lie.