Cheers To 50 Years With The Same Man

Lifelong commitment scares me silly.

Topic: Marriage.
So, a couple of friends of mine are getting married on September 13th. And you know what that means... Shopping! Not that it's something I fancy doing a lot, though I do enjoy it. Especially if I don't blow my budget on one-time use dresses/shoes/bags and the unspoken rule of the-chaperone-(in this case, my mother)-pays-for-all-expenses comes into play. I admit its selfish, but I guess it's ok to be human for once.

Bridal registries are something I've always been intrigued with, I feel sorry for the poor fiancée/husband-to-be though, to be dragged around - watching their partners pick out kettles, expensive microwaves, or matching cutlery and have them asked which they'd prefer. I don't think they'd care at all about which microwaves microwave better, or what brand of cutlery there is. I think they'd think 'As long as I get to spend the rest of my life with you... And that 26" flat screen plasma that's calling out my name.'

I know that's what I'd be thinking when I go picking out items for my bridal registry list. Though rather than having a plasma TV call out my name, I'd be seduced by a future Playstation 109.

A then-friend once told me about the items his older brother and sister-in-law picked for their bridal registry. They'd already bought the necessary things for their home, i.e. kitchenware, furniture, home necessities, etc., so what they listed on their bridal registry were items like an XBox 360. Pretty smart I'd say, think I might steal that idea. Then again, why would I wanna spend that much money when I can just get them as presents? I'll be having this debate with myself for a long, long time - not that I should start now anyway.

Although I talk about getting married one day, which is apparently "every girls' dream", it's not always mine. The thought of commitment scares me silly, actually. Alike giving birth. What about the commitment which scares me so much is that 5, 10 or even 20+ years down the track, would he still love me like he did when he first asked "Will you marry me?" Will he like me when I get a bob cut, or what if I stunt my growth vertically and I start expanding horizontally? (Not that I have any problem with gaining weight, I'm happy with myself. My want of being overweight is just preferable choice.) Or what if I would be the one to fall out completely? I wanna know, but at the same time I don't. I don't wanna jinx it either.

As immature as it sounds, I've had the whole marriage conversation with my two previous ex-boyfriends. With the first ex-boyfriend I had the "talk" with, he was certain that we'd grow old together from the moment he set eyes on me. He was my first love, and I was his. He even went to the extent of proposing to me a whole year and a half later. I went along with it, I thought it was sweet. The word 'forever' then came into the picture. We'd used that word so freely and uncaringly, which to us, lost its meaning.

We were the on and off type, we argued every time we spoke to each other after that. He was selfish and uncompassionate, I was stubborn and got sick of having to put up with him. And then I ended it for good, I eventually fell out of love. I promised not to talk about marriage with anyone else until I reach the perfect age, and I never used the word 'forever' or anything similar to that context thereafter. For a long time I even thought that he was the man of my dreams, until he came.

The most recent ex-boyfriend, I lost interest in all things 'male' after I lost him. I haven't been this single for so long since I entered the World of Dating. Back to the subject, I was his first love. Unfortunately, it wasn't the same - although it felt like he was my first love. I was careful this time when it came to using certain words, etc. I also had the marriage-talk with him. I tried to be careful this time, not trying to set ideas since we were still young. His words were nothing like the boy before him, he was much sweeter. And from the way he spoke, there was no way I could deny that he loved me.

One afternoon while we were out, some stranger from the street asked if we were married, my ex-boyfriend never gave me the chance to respond - let alone open my mouth. Instead he answered for the both of us and said "Not yet." Eventually, I got lovestruck. So after that, whenever we talked about us being 'together' in the future, I never did think twice although I was still aware of what I was doing. I felt so certain about the both of us, I was all fo' shiz'd. No, we never did any "planning of the future". That would've been past extreme. Even though I promised earlier that I wouldn't speak of marriage with anyone else until the time was right, I never regret breaking it.

Then he left, and life moved on.